


But I'm a Monster (No, You're Just a Vampire)

by BlaiddtheWolf



Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: Blood, Blood Drinking, Comforting Steve, Hydra (Marvel), M/M, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Vampire Bucky Barnes, Vampire!Bucky, its really minor, you can ignore the stucky if you want
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-08-25
Updated: 2017-11-05
Packaged: 2018-12-19 15:35:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 8
Words: 11,853
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11900748
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BlaiddtheWolf/pseuds/BlaiddtheWolf
Summary: When Bucky is turned he thinks he's turned into a monster, but Steve knows better, he knows that Bucky's still Bucky.





	1. first bite

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> bucky is bitten and steve is there to comfort him

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yet again folks, let me know if you want more

Bucky stumbles through the door late, hand over his neck and the taste of blood in his mouth. He’s panting heavily, having run the whole way home after being attacked. 

“Steve!” he calls out, desperate to see his friend, to see him safe. Steve comes running out of their bedroom.

“Bucky, whats wrong? Here, let me see.” Steve pulls Buckys hand away from his neck and hisses. “Shit Bucky, what the hell happened to you? Never mind that, lets just get it cleaned and bandaged, alright?” He tugs Bucky along to the bathroom and pulls out the first aide kit they have. He pulls out rubbing alcohol and some gauze and cleans the wound before taping the gauze in place. Steve then leads Bucky to the couch and sits him down, settling in next to him. 

“So, what happened?” Steve asks.

“It’s nothing Steve, don't worry about it.” Bucky mumbles.

“No, you don't get to say that after you come home hollering and looking like a dog took issue with your neck.” Steve protests.

“Just some crazy guy attacked me and bit me is all. I got a little freaked out, sorry I yelled coming in.” What he doesn't tell Steve is that after the nutter bit him he also bit his own wrist and shoved it in Buckys mouth. 

“Oh is that all? Bucky, it was a person that bit you? That’s crazy! Are you sure you're okay?” Steve fusses.

“I'm fine Steve. Just tired, I'm gonna go to bed.” Bucky insists. He gets up and heads over to his and Steves bedroom and lays down on his side of the bed. He heaves a deep sigh and closes his eyes and drifts into sleep. 

\-----------

Bucky wakes in the middle of the night screaming. His whole body feels as though its on fire but he's shivering, his head is pounding and his mouth hurts. And god he's hungry. 

“Bucky! Bucky wake up, you're okay, Bucky just wake up!” Steve is beside him, shaking his shoulder. Bucky opens his eyes and looks at Steve and takes a deep shuddering breath and smells flood into his nose. First and foremost, Steve. Steves scent, god he smells good, and Bucky is so hungry. 

“‘M hungry Steve.” Bucky shivers. 

“Alright, ok, I’ll go get you something.” Steve agrees. But as he left so did his good scent and Bucky whimpers. “I’ll be right back.” Steve assures him, then leaves toward the kitchen. Bucky can hear him rummaging around the cupboards and pulling out some of what little food they have. Steve comes back in with a few slices of bread and holds them out to Bucky. 

“Here you go. Best you not eat anything else if you're getting sick.” Steve says. Bucky sits up, still shaking, and takes the bread. Bread isn't the most appetizing at the best of times, but right now it smelled awful, however Bucky forced himself to take a bite. He swallows and the bread sits heavy in his stomach. He gets through a few more bites before he has to run to the bathroom and throw it all up again. Steve comes in after him and sits beside him, rubbing a thin hand over buckys back as he dry heaves into the toilet. Once he's done Steve brings him a glass of water to clean out his mouth with, then they go back to bed. Still shivering Bucky curls around Steve, sticking his nose into steves throat, drinking in his smell. Steve falls asleep quickly despite Bucky shivering behind him, and Bucky eventually falls asleep as well. 

———————

 

For the next few days Bucky stays in bed, shivering and hungry. He throws up anything Steve tries to feed him and finds he would rather sit and smell Steve than eat. After three days Bucky has to go back to work and hauls himself out of bed. Steve tries to convince him to stay home, but they need the money, so Bucky goes. 

————————-

 

It’s late by the time Bucky is finished at the docks, and he's terrified walking home, terrified that the man who bit him will reappear and attack him again. Bucky can usually hold his own in a fight, but this man seemed unusually strong, able to pin Bucky to the wall of the alley. 

Bucky is pulled from his head by a scream that he rushes toward, because he's close to home and if someones in trouble that means Steve will try and help if he's near. When he gets there theres no Steve, just a man pushing around a lady.

“Hey, back off!” he calls out. The man turns around and the lady runs off, leaving Bucky and the attacker. The attacker lunges at Bucky and instead of dodging he just flings himself forward and catches the guy around the middle, pushing him back into the wall. The guys head hits the bricks hard and a bit of blood trickles from the small wound. And it smells so good. Buckys hunger comes back all at once and without thinking he leans forward and bites into the mans neck. The man yells but Bucky is in too much bliss to notice. Hot, thick, rich blood flows down his throat and he hardly thinks, just continues biting and sucking and swallowing, until he is finally, finally, full, and the man is only standing because Bucky is holding him up. Then Bucky really sees him. He’s pale and his mouth is slack and Bucky lets him drop down to the ground in horror. He's dead. He's dead and Bucky killed him and drank his blood and oh god how’s he gonna face Steve? But he has to, has to get home, away from this, and he flees down the street. 

Bucky staggers through the door to his and steves apartment. Steve comes out of the bedroom and sees Bucky hunched over in the doorway and rushes to him. “Bucky, oh my god, what happened? Are you alright?”

“’S not my blood.” Bucky mutters.

“What? Whose is it?” Steve pulls back a little to look at Buckys face. Bucky just starts crying. “Oh, hey, come on, it’s alright.” Steve soothes, pulling Bucky to his chest, but it'll get blood all over Steve so Bucky pushes away. 

“It’s not alright Steve. I killed a guy and its not alright!” Bucky ends up shouting.

“You what?” Steve breathes.

“I was just so hungry Steve, I didn't mean to, but he was bleeding and it smelled so good and i just…” Bucky trails off, not wanting to confess any further.

“Just what Bucky?” Steve prods.

“I bit him, like I was bitten, ‘cept I kept biting him, and… and I drank his blood Stevie. I drank all his blood and I'm a fuckin monster.” Bucky wailed. Steve is still for a while, probably deciding which way to run. And Bucky won't blame him. He's turned into a monster and he deserves to be alone, Steve deserves better than Bucky can give him. Bucky goes to stand, to walk out and leave Steve but thin hands grab onto his arm and pull him back down. 

“No, you're not going anywhere jerk. You get to stay here and explain and then take a shower and then go to bed.” Steve fumes.

“But Steve I-” Bucky tries to protest.

“No buts. Spill.” Steve crosses his arms over his skinny chest and glares. 

“The guy that bit me, he also made me drink some of his blood,” Bucky starts, “and after that I've just been real hungry but can’t eat anything, and I can smell everything, and I can hear everything, and Steve, you smell really good, not just in the ‘you smell nice’ way, but in the ‘oh my god that smells delicious!’ way. And when the guy started bleeding that smelled even better and I don't even know why but I bit him and it was easy and he started bleeding and it tasted so good! And I, I, oh god Steve I killed him.” Bucky is sobbing, trying to pull himself away from Steve, but Steve will have none of it and keeps his hands on Buckys. 

“Okay, so you've explained. Thank you. Now it’s time for you to take a shower.” Steve pulls Bucky along behind him calmly. Bucky follows, sniffling. Steve guides him to the shower and stands outside the door as Bucky scrubs and scrubs at his skin, trying to get all the blood off. Steve comes in after ten minutes of Bucky rubbing his skin raw, pulls him out of the shower and hands him his pajamas. Steve curls up next to him in the bed, allowing Bucky to wrap his arms around him and snuggle in close. 

“I'm a vampire Stevie.” Bucky mutters into the back of Steves neck. 

“I know Buck.” he replies.

“Why aren't you scared?” Bucky asks weakly.

“Because you're still you.” Steve says simply. “And I could never be scared of you.”


	2. dum dum

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> bucky makes a friend and gains donor

Steve is there three months later when Bucky gets his letter.

“What am I gonna do Steve, theres not gonna be a whole lotta drunks for me to feed from.” Bucky clips.

“I don't know Bucky.” Steve bites back, then takes a deep breath. “There’s a hospital right? You could get blood from there?” he suggests.

“So you want me to steal blood in the middle of a war? People need it Steve.” Bucky argues.

“So do you!” Steve insists.

“Not like that, it’s not, it’s not the same!” Bucky protests.

“Why not? You need it to survive, we've tried you going without regular feedings, that didn't go well, you know that. You've gotta do something, or your gonna do something you'll regret.” Steve continues.

Bucky lets out a wavering breath, “I know. I just… I wish I could stay.” 

“I know. I wish I could go with you.” Steve responds.

“No! No Steve, you can’t go!” Bucky warns.

“What? Why not?” Steve asks sternly.

“It’s too dangerous, you'll get killed, you can’t go!” Buckys eyes are wide and he grabs onto Steves hands.

“But you can?” Steve challenges. 

“I don't want to!” Bucky snaps. 

“And why not?” Steve demands.

“Steve, I know that you think joining the army is the best thing a man can do, but I'm a, a vampire, and I don't think they want any of those in the army.” Bucky says. Steve deflates. 

“Aw Bucky, I'm sorry. I just, well I wish you didn't have to go. I'm sure you'll figure something out though.” 

——————————

 

Steve is there when Bucky gets shipped off to training, waving him off and wishing he could kiss him goodbye like all the ladies were doing to their men. Steve made sure Bucky fed before he left, and reintroduced the idea of stealing from the hospital, but Bucky was still hesitant. But he'd have to figure something out, he had to feed at least once a week or he would begin attacking people. Once, after refusing to eat for the first month, he had attacked Steve, barely stopping himself from biting him. But he had stopped, though he had tried to leave right after, ashamed of what he had done. After that he made sure to eat, well, drink, regularly from people coming home from bars so drunk they wouldn't remember what had happened. But there would be none of that in the training, and Bucky would have at least six weeks in an environment where blood would be harder to get. 

——————————

 

It’s been a week and a half and Bucky is hungry. That’s not really new news, but he's really hungry. One of the other trainees had accidentally sliced his hand open today and Bucky had had to keep his mouth shut to keep his fangs from showing, and had to work hard to resist the urge to run up to the man and bleed him dry. Now Bucky is sitting on his cot with his eyes closed, taking deep calming breaths. Another trainee, a man with a bowler hat and a big mustache comes into the tent and sit on the bed opposite Bucky. 

“I know what you are, and what you need.” he says. Bucky glances up at him with wide eyes.

“I, I don't know what you mean.” Bucky stammers. 

“Come on now, I can help you, and by the looks of things you need all the help you can get. Now I'm willing to be a donor, but you stop when I say you stop, and I get your cigarets, got it?” the man offers. Bucky looks at him, eyes narrowed.

“What’s your name?” he asks. 

“Of course, I'm Timothy, and what’s yours?” Timothy replies. 

“…Bucky.” he answers. 

“Very well Bucky, we got ourselves a deal?” Timothy questions, holding out a hand to shake. Bucky looks at the hand, then at Timothy. The mans got a big smile on his face, like making a deal with a vampire is just another day. Finally Bucky nods and shakes Timothys hand. Bucky releases Timothys hand but the man keep his arm outstretched. 

“You need it now, I think.” Timothy offers. Bucky nods again, gently grabbing onto Timothys wrist and leaning forward. He stops.

“Are you sure?” he asks.

“Wouldn’t’a offered if I weren’t.” the man replies.

So Bucky pulls the mans wrist to his mouth, extends his fangs, and bites down. Timothy hisses but Bucky cant help but ignore it as rich blood flows into his mouth. He swallows and lets more blood pulse into his mouth, again and again until Timothy pulls away. Bucky licks his lips and Timothy pulls a wad of gauze from his pocket on presses it to the wound. “You're stupid, letting me do that.” Bucky whispers. 

“Yep, just a big dum dum.” Timothy confirms. 

“That’s you, a dum dum.” Bucky says. “Alright Dum Dum, thank you. “I’d’a ended up doing something I’d regret later, so… thank you.”

“Any time.” Timothy, no, Dum Dum grins. 

“Um, next week?” Bucky requests.

“Yeah, next week.” Dum Dum agrees. 

 

The next six weeks pass like that, every Friday Dum Dum and Bucky meeting up, Bucky drinking, then Dum Dum starts hanging out for a while afterwards, and they strike up a pretty good friendship. Bucky and Dum Dum are chosen to spend another six weeks in infantry training, both as marksmen. Those weeks pass much the same, and finally, finally Bucky can go home. 

—————————-

 

And of course Bucky finds Steve in an alley getting beat up. He gets rid of the bully (wanted to drain him, but its broad daylight and Steve would not approve) and sighs at Steve. “Sometimes I think you like getting punched.”

“I had him on the ropes.” Steve defends, standing and brushing grit off his hands. Bucky looks down at the papers that have fallen out of Steves jacket. 

“How many times is this?” he asks, picking up the papers and looking at them. “Oh, you're from Burams now. You know its illegal to lie on your enlistment form. And seriously, Jersey?” Steve looks up from where he's been brushing off his clothes. 

“You get your orders?” Steve says, looking at his uniform. Bucky looks down. He wishes he hadn’t. 

“107th, Sergeant James Barnes, shipping out for England first thing in the morning.” He tries to keep his voice light, happy, but it dips down at the end. Steve looks at his hands.

“I should be going with you.” Steve mutters. Bucky takes a deep breath. He doesn't want to have this argument again. He forces himself to smile.

“Come on man, It’s my last night, gotta get you cleaned up!” Bucky pulls Steve into a side hug and pulls him out of the alley. 

“Why, where are we going?” Steve asks gloomily. 

“The future.” Bucky replies dramatically, and hands Steve the newspaper. 

—————————

 

They get to the science expo and Bucky leads Steve along, marveling at exhibits and wishing Steve could just have a good time. But Steve has a dreary look on his face, dragging his feet like they are made of lead and isn't looking at anything but the ground. At one point Bucky gets distracted by a flying car, because, come on, flying car! and loses sight of Steve. Looking around, he sees an enlistment office. He sighs and makes his way over and of course that’s where Steve is, standing in front of one of the mirrors that put you in an army uniform. He's too short, the collar of the jacket coming up to his nose. 

“Come on, you're kinda missing the point of a date, we gotta go dancing.” He says, pulling Steve away from the mirror. 

“You go ahead,” Steve tries, “I’ll catch up with you.”

“Really gonna do this again?” Bucky doesn't like this, doesn't like Steves endless stubborn determination to get into the army. 

“It’s a fair, I'm gonna try my luck.” Steve says, like he's just trying out a game.

“As who, Steve from Ohio? They'll catch you, or worse, they'll actually take you.” he frets.

“Look I know you don't think I can do this,” Steve starts.

“This isn't a back alley Steve, its war!” Bucky interrupts him.

“I know it’s a war.”

“You're so keen to fight, theres so many important jobs.”

“What do you want me to do, collect scrap metal in my little red wagon?”

“Yes!”

“I'm not gonna sit in a factory Bucky. Bucky! Come on, there are men laying down their lives, I got no right to do any less than them, that’s what you don't understand. This isn't about me”

“Right, ‘cus you got nothing to prove.” They look at each other. Bucky sighs. Steve isn't going to back down, and theres nothing short of picking Steve up and carrying him away that will stop him. But he doesn't have time for that, he has to get to the boat that'll take him to England, take him to war, take him away from Steve. “Fine.” he sighs. “Don't do anything stupid ‘till I get back.” he commands, walking down the steps.

“How can I, you're taking all the stupid with you.” Steve calls back. Bucky rolls his eyes and walks back up to Steve and wraps him in a hug.

“Punk.” he mutters.

“Jerk.” Steve shoots back. They separate and Bucky walks back down the steps. “Hey don't win the war ‘till I get there!” Steve calls out. Bucky gives a sloppy salute and begins his walk to the docks.


	3. prisoner

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> bucky is tortured and steve is big

Bucky does his best to keep hydras attention away from his men, but unfortunately that means they notice he doesn't eat what little food is given to them, they notice he can lift the heavier weights a little easier than the rest of the soldiers, and they notice his fangs drop when a soldier slices his arm open. They notice and they drag him away, too weak from weeks of starvation to do anything, to fight back. 

Then begin the experiments, the torture, the tests. What makes him so strong, why does he have fangs, what happens when one of his soldiers throat is cut in front of him, blood spilling onto the floor, (he tries to resist, but he ends up pulling at the restraints, trying to get to him, his own soldier, wants to drink from him, he's already dead, just please, let him have him. They don't.) Does silver burn him (no), does garlic repel him (no). All the vampire myths are tested, with various results. Most, they discover, are false, and they wont test what kills him. (He wishes they would.) 

 

Bucky is repeating his name, rank, and number. Over. And over. Then there is someone standing over him and Bucky pulls at the restraints, trying to get to them, to get to their veins, their arteries, their blood.

“Bucky. Oh my god.” the person says. Bucky? Nobody here knew that name, only Barnes, he never told them Bucky. Then the person is tugging at the restraints, breaking them, and Bucky surges forward, tackling them to the ground. He tries to tear into their jugular but they hold him off. “Bucky! It’s me, it’s Steve.” Steve? Bucky stops.

“Steve?” he mutters. He slides off Steve and lands weakly on the floor. But Steve is… Steve is big. He's bigger than Bucky. He looks at Steve in confusion. Steve is looking back at him with wide eyes.

“I thought you were dead.” Steve breathes.

“I thought you were smaller.” Bucky says, eyes raking over Steve. Theres a noise down the hallway and they start moving, Steve pulling Bucky along with him. “What happened to you?” Bucky tries to walk on his own, but can hardly stand.

“I joined the army.” Steve replies, like the punk he is. 

“Steve.” Bucky warns. Steve rolls his eyes and explains as they walk. About Erskine, and the serum. “Did it hurt?” Bucky asks. He can walk on his own now, barely, and is stumbling after Steve.

“A little.” the lying bastard replies. 

“Is it permanent?”

“So far.” Oh thats comforting. Bucky falls and Steve turns back and holds him up, and isn't that something, Steve holding Bucky up. Buckys head lolls onto Steves neck and a small growl escapes him. “How longs it been since you've eaten Bucky?” Steve prods.

“I don't know. At least a month.” Bucky answers. God he's hungry. Steve holds up his wrist.

“Here.” he offers.

“No, I’ll hurt you.” Bucky shoves away Steves arm. 

“Bucky come on, look at me, I’ll be fine.” Steve argues.

“No.” 

“Oh for-” Steve sighs and pulls out a knife and cuts a small line across his wrist, just enough for blood to start to bead up. The scent hits Bucky and he leaps forward, onto Steve and grabs his wrist in his mouth. Buckys fangs pierce deeper into Steves skin and finally, finally, Bucky has food. He pulls the blood from Steves veins, hardly tasting it as he swallows. He takes and takes and nearly doesn't notice when Steve starts to pull away, too engrossed in feeding to feel Steves movements. 

“Okay, Bucky, that’s enough for now, you can have more later.” Steve says trying to pull away. Bucky whimpers but opens his mouth and lets Steve pull his arm away. 

Now that he's fed, Bucky can stand on his own and follows a little more steadily after Steve. They make their way across the factory, towards the exit, when they hear a voice call out, “Captain America! How exciting.” A man on the other side of the factory is looking at them, speaking to Steve, but Buckys attention is drawn to the smaller man next to him. Doctor Zola, the one in charge of all the experiments and torture. The taller man is speaking, but Bucky doesn't pay attention, too busy staring in horror, in anger, at Zola. but then Steve walks toward the taller man, and he walks toward them. They meet in the middle of the walkway stretching over the burning factory, and Steve punches the man in the face. He stumbles back and smiles, then throws a punch of his own, Steve only just bringing his shield up in time to stop it. The punch dents the metal and Zola pulls a lever to pull back the walkway before Steve can retaliate.

“No matter what lies Erskine told you, you see I was his greatest success!” the man boasts, then begins to… pull off his face, peeling the skin away, revealing it to be just a mask, while below, his face a grotesque red impression of a skull. 

“You don't have one of those do you?” Bucky mutters to Steve, because it sounds like whatever serum Steve got this guy had too. Steve is still too busy staring at the red skull to say anything. The red skull and Zola slip away, leaving Steve and Bucky on the wrong side of an exploding factory. Steve pulls Bucky along up a flight of steps and to a beam that stretches across to the other side. He leads Bucky up to and over the rail.

“Lets go, one at a time.” Steve orders. Steve’s always been a little bossy but jeez. But Bucky complies and starts to make his way along the beam. He's still wobbly and weak, and the beam is shifting, falling, Bucky has to run, jump, the beam is gone, but Steve is still on the other side. 

Bucky looks around frantically. “There’s gotta be a rope or something!”

“Just go, get outta here!” Steve waves him off.

Like hell he's leaving Steve. “No! Not without you!” He calls back. Steve looks around for some way to get himself to the other side and Bucky can see what the idiot is thinking. Steve bends back the rail. Don't do it Steve, don’t- Steve jumps. For a second he's engulfed in flames and Buckys heart nearly beats out of his chest but Steve makes it, lands next to Bucky, a little singed but alive. Bucky rushes to him.

“You stupid punk, we could've found a way over, you didn't have to jump!” he frets.

“Yeah, but it worked. Come on, we don't have a lot of time.” Steve pulls Bucky to his feet and they continue their journey out of the warehouse. 

Once outside they find the 107th cheering their victory, and Bucky and Steve smile in relief. Bucky finds the friends he's made over his time as sergeant, Morita, Falsworth, Gabe, Dernier, and, of course, Dum Dum, and embrace them all. Dum Dum taps his own wrist in a silent offer, but Bucky shakes his head and flicks his eyes to Steve. Dum Dum raises an eyebrow but shrugs. 

With Steve in the lead, all surviving members of the 107th make their way to the army base. When they get there, there is loud cheering and a stifling number of people surrounding them, and Bucky doesn't like it. Not at all. But he grins and bears it, calling out for recognition of Steve. 

Later, when its just Bucky and Steve in a tent, Steve offers up his wrist again. “Come on, I know you're hungry, just take it.”

“I’ll be fine, you already gave me enough.” Bucky argues. 

“Don't make me cut my wrist again.” Steve pleads. “Just take what you need, my body will replenish the blood quick.” Bucky chews on his lip, then nods. He lets his fangs drop and closes his mouth around steves wrist, then bites down. 

Now that he's not delirious from starvation, Bucky can taste something funny in Steves blood. Not bad, just different. It must be whatever they injected him with in that lab. Bucky takes small mouthfuls of blood, swallowing slowly and savoring the taste. After about a minute Steve pulls away, and Bucky lets him. He could drink more, could drain Steve and still not be full, but Bucky wouldn't do that. Not to Steve anyway. 

Steve forms a special team consisting of all buckys friends and they call themselves the Howling commandos. They are formed to fight Hydra specifically, and they do it well. Except for Steve and Dum Dum, none of the team knows about Buckys… condition.


	4. revealed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the howlies find out and bucky kills some hydra agents

Bucky’s hungry. It’s been two weeks since he's fed, and they've been too busy to find a moment for Steve or Dum Dum to offer their arms. They're going on a mission, one that Bucky needs to be on the ground for instead of sniping. They sneak through the woods and enter the hydra base undetected. Finally they're spotted and all hell breaks loose. Bucky loses sight of the rest of the Howlies and has to concentrate on shooting as many Hydra agents as he can. Soon enough, the seven of them wipe through the agents with practiced efficiency. Bucky can’t see the others, but all sounds of fighting have stopped, and Bucky can hear their voices a fair distance away. This is the perfect time. 

Bucky grabs the nearest living Hydra agent (he was shot in the belly and is taking his time on dying) and drags him to a wall, then lifts him up into a standing position, pressing him him to the concrete. The Hydra agent cries out in pain. Bucky ignores him and tilts the mans head to the side, exposing his neck. The Hydra agent is hyperventilating in fear now and Bucky holds him still.

Then, without warning, Bucky plunges his fangs into the mans neck. He groans as hot blood fills his mouth and he swallows greedily. Bucky had known he was hungry, but he hadn't realized just how hungry. Everything else disappears as Bucky drags mouthfuls of blood into his mouth. It takes him three and a half minutes before he has drained the man completely. Blood is smeared across his mouth and has dribbled down his chin. 

Bucky drops the hydra agent and turns around, wiping the blood on his face off with his sleeve and takes a step forward before looking up. He stops. The Howling Commandos, save Steve and Dum Dum, are staring in shock, mouths open and eyes wide. Steve just look uncomfortable and Dum Dum is staring at his feet.

“Holy shit.” mutters Morita. Bucky is frozen. This was never supposed to happen, they were never supposed to find out. They'll hate Bucky, they'll never trust him again, all friendship gone and fear in its place and Bucky has ruined everything. Gabe takes a step forward and Bucky turns and flees. 

“Bucky!” Steve calls after him, but Bucky continues running. He's a coward, and he knows it, running away from them instead of enduring their wrath, but Bucky doesn't think he can take it. He hears Steve running after him, and damn that serum, Steve is keeping up with him. They race through the forest for quite a while before Bucky begins to tire. He hauls himself into a tree and hopes Steve cant climb as well as he can. Another thirty seconds and Steve is below him, looking up. 

“Bucky come on down, we have to go back to the others.” Steve calls up. 

“No, they hate me, they're scared of me, I can’t go back.” Bucky cries.

“You're making an awful lot of assumptions there Buck. They won’t hate you, they were a bit surprised is all.” Steve reasons.

“No Steve! they just found out I'm a monster and there is no way they'll take me back.” Bucky shouts. 

“Come on Bucky, they never left you, they're probably all worried about you, just takin’ off like that.” Steve says. “So come on down and lets go explain. They're all good guys, they'll understand.”

“Exactly, they're good guys, they wouldn't want to be with a fuckin’ monster like me.” Bucky growls.

“Bucky, how many times do we have to go over this, you're not a monster.” Steve sighs. Bucky drops out of the tree and in front of Steve. 

“Am I not?” he hisses, baring his teeth and crowding into steves space, forcing him to take a step back. “Am I not the monster children grow up fearing, the monster in the closet, ready to tear your throat out and bleed you dry, am I not the fucking stuff of nightmares?”

“No, Bucky, you're not. Because you're you, and nothing can change that. Not the fact you have sharper teeth than I do, not the fact you growl and snarl, not even the fact you drink blood.” Steve says softly. They stand there for a minute, just staring at each other, until they hear faint calls in the distance. 

“Bucky! Steve!” its the Commandos. Bucky turns to flee again but Steve grabs him, and they tussle a bit, but Bucky doesn't want to hurt Steve, so eventually goes limp in Steves arms and they lower to the ground. That’s how the Commandos find them, Steve holding a sobbing Bucky to his chest on the forest floor. Bucky waits for the shouts, the accusations, the fear. 

“Hey man.” Gabe says softly walking forward and kneeling in front of them. “You didn't need to run off like that, you scared us.” Bucky sobs harder. He knew it, he knew he scared them, he showed them the monster, why wouldn't they be scared? They’ll want him gone. “We were worried.” Why were they worried? Worried he might attack them maybe, worried he would kill them. But he would never do that, could never do that, not to his friends. Bucky tries again to get out of Steves grip, but he holds strong. If he would just let him go, they wouldn't ever have to see him again. 

“Quit struggling will ya, why you so scared?” Dum Dum asks.

“They shouldn't have to see me, they know what I am, just let me go and you'll never have to see me again, I promise! Just let me go Steve!” Bucky shoves again, frustrated and scared.

“Steve, don't let go.” Gabe says. Bucky screams. They don't just want to see him go, they'll turn him in, to be a lab rat again, to be poked and prodded and tortured.

“No! I don't want that! Please don’t!” Bucky begs. 

“Don't want what?” Falsworth asks.

“Please, don't take me in, I don't want to be hurt again, I’ll leave, I promise.” he whimpers. 

“You think were gonna turn you in?” Morita speaks up. “Just how stupid are you?” Morita’s right, why turn him in when they can just kill him themselves?

“Don't hurt Steve. You can kill me, fine, just don't hurt Steve.” Bucky requests, tears in his eyes.

“No one wants to kill you Bucky, and of course were not gonna hurt Steve.” Gabe says in his calm voice. No one wants to kill him?

“Well then what do you want?! Just get it over with already!” Bucky snarls. 

“What we want is to go back to camp and eat something, get some sleep, and then get an explanation from you. No one wants to hurt you, no ones gonna turn you in, we just want you safe.” Gabe explains. 

What? That- that doesn't make any sense. “But I'm a monster.” 

“No, you're just, different is all. Lets just get back to camp and we’ll work this all out in the morning.” Gabe beckons, standing up. Steve stands as well, pulling Bucky to his feet. 

“Come on buck.” Steve says, walking them forward. Bucky shuffles along with Steve, toward their camp, toward what he still thinks will be his death. When they finally get to the camp Steve sits Bucky on a log in front of their tent and pulls out rations for himself, then sits back down next to Bucky. 

“I told you they wouldn't be scared.” he says as he eats. 

“I'm just waiting.” Bucky mumbles tiredly.

“Waiting for what?” Steve asks.

“For them to kill me. As long as your safe, I guess thats okay.”

Steve puts down his food. “Bucky, no one’s going to kill you.”

“Okay Stevie.” Bucky agrees. Well, lies about agreeing. Steve finishes his food and pulls them into the tent, pushing their sleeping bags together. They fall asleep snuggled together, Bucky fearing what the morning holds.

———————-

 

Bucky wakes to the sound of footsteps outside their tent. The Howlies, come to finish him off. Bucky doesn't want to be near Steve when it happens, so crawls out of their sleeping bags and silently exits the tent, making sure to not wake Steve. Steve would try to interfere, and that might get him hurt. But when he looks up its not one of his friends (they're still his friends, even if he is not theirs) outside the tents, but Hydra soldiers. 

Luckily the soldiers haven't seen him yet, so he stalks up silently to the one in the back and swiftly snaps his neck, laying him down gently onto the ground so as not to alert the others. Bucky takes the gun from the dead soldier and begins shooting. Three men are down before the rest have the chance to even turn around. Bucky hears shouts from the tents as the Howling Commandos thrash around, woken by the gunshots. Bucky crouches low to avoid the hydra soldiers own shots, and continues firing until the gun is empty. 

That leaves three standing soldiers, and Bucky rushes them, body slamming the closest one into the next, the lashes out with a fist to stun the third before stepping behind him and snapping his neck as well. The next two are twisted together on the ground, trying to get up, and Bucky grabs another gun and shoots them both in the head. the Howlies are out of their tents now, staring at the thirteen bodies on the floor and Bucky panting above them, fangs out and a snarl on his face. 

During yesterdays events, the terror and the running and the hysteria, Bucky had burned off all the energy he had gotten from feeding, and is hungry yet again. In his current adrenaline rush, Bucky hardly notices his friends, and doesn't care if they watch as he grabs a Hydra agent and drags him behind his and Steves tent. There he pulls the dead man into his lap, tilts his head, and leans down to bite into his neck. 

The blood is still warm, and Bucky sucks hungrily at the mans neck. He hears a noise in front of him and snaps his head up, snarling, blood bubbling from between his teeth. It’s Gabe. 

“Whoa, easy buddy. It’s just me. Just wanted to see what was going on.” He takes a step closer and Bucky opens his mouth, showing off his fangs and growling. 

Later, when his head is clear, Bucky will feel awful for threatening his friend, but right now he's too taken over by his hunger to care. 

“Okay, okay, I’ll leave.” Gabe backs off and and Bucky dips his head back down to suck again on the dead soldiers neck. It’s a few minutes before Bucky is done then a few more before his head clears. Oh god, he did it again. He fed in front of his friends and he growled at Gabe and he's kind of shocked Gabe hadn't just shot him. 

Bucky takes a deep shuddering breath then steps out from behind the tent. The Howlies are huddled around each other, talking in hushed voices. They see Bucky emerge and immediately stop, all looking at him. Steve steps forward and embraces Bucky, getting blood all over his shirt. Bucky tucks his head into steves shoulder and breathes deeply. He's always liked the way Steve smells, and since the whole ‘turned into a vampire’ thing Bucky just revels in it even more. 

“You did good Bucky. You did real good.” Steve praises. Bucky smiles into Steves shoulder. 

“Well shit, I knew you were good Barnes but I wasn't expecting that.” Falsworth exclaims. 

“‘M sorry.” Bucky mumbles into Steves shoulder.

“Sorry, what for? You saved our asses.” Morita says. 

Bucky takes his head out of Steves shoulder and looks at the Commandos. “I'm sorry for being what I am. I'm sorry for feeding in front of you, Gabe, I'm sorry for growling at you, I'm just… I'm sorry.”

“You cant help being what you are, and there ain’t nothin wrong with it either. Bucky, you had the courtesy to drag the dude behind a tent, and even if you hadn’t, we wouldn't be mad at you. And have you ever tried to get between Dum Dum and his food? He’ll growl at ya too.” Gabe assures him. Bucky snorts. 

“Damn straight I will. Ain’t no one getting between me and my dehydrated potatoes.” Dum Dum gruffs. 

“No one wants your dehydrated potatoes.” Morita mutters. Dum Dum glares at him and Morita just shrugs. 

“Why aren't you guys mad, or scared?” Bucky asks hesitantly.

“There isn’t anything to be mad at or scared of. You're still you, we just know a bit more about you is all. So what if you're a bloody vampire? You just saved all our lives.” Falsworth says. Bucky just stares at him. Then starts laughing. He must be a sight, fangs still present and blood all over his face, laughing hysterically.

“You fellas are idiots, the whole bunch of ya. I expected this from Steve, and Dum Dum’s known for a long time, but I thought the rest of you might've had some sense. Mighta killed the monster and slept good at night knowing that you did the right thing. But nope, you're gonna let a vampire roam in your midst. Gonna let him feed and not do a thing about it.” Bucky is still laughing. 

“You alright there buddy?” Dum Dum asks, eyebrow raised. Buckys laughs die down into giggles. 

“I'm a fucking vampire, Steve is big, and you're all idiots.” Bucky sighs happily, snuggling into Steve. Steve pulls Bucky firmer to his chest. 

“Yeah, we’re all idiots. Now get over here and help tear down the camp, we need to get a move on.” Dum Dum agrees, waving Bucky over. 

Through the course of the next many missions, the Commandos would turn their heads as Bucky fed on dead or dying Hydra agents. They would ignore as he rejoined them with red stains on his jacket and a savage, toothy smile on his bloody face. 

Then came the train, and the fall.


	5. hydra

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> bucky is back with hydra and is starving

Hydra starves him. They let him sit in a cage in agony as the stump of his arm heals, let him suffer, starving, for over a month, watching him as he grows desperate, as he begins to smash himself against the bars at every passing agent. When two months have passed, they wait until he is sleeping to throw two men into the cage with him. He wakes when the doors slam shut and the first thing that registers in his brain is the smell of blood. He cant think, his vision is blurry, and he launches himself at one of the men. The man is screaming as Bucky pins him down, then sinks his teeth into the mans neck. Blood flows into his mouth and he swallows rapidly, then lets his mouth be filled again. Over and over his swallows as more blood pulses into his mouth, then as he has to draw blood from the vein when the easy flow of blood stops. 

After a few minutes, and the blood from the man is gone, Bucky pulls back. He looks at the corpse he had fed from. Oh god. His uniform. This was an american soldier. Bucky had killed one of his own. But the worst part, the worst part is the is still hungry, and there is another soldier in the cage with him. 

The man is trembling in fear, and flinches back when Bucky looks at him. He as well is in an american uniform. Bucky pushes himself into the corner of the cage, shivering, trying to block out the scent of blood, so close, so accessible. Bucky pulls his arms around himself and squeezes, pressing himself against the bars. The other soldier presses himself against the opposite side of the cage, panting and staring at Bucky. 

“What- what are you, what did you do?” the soldier whispers. Bucky looks at him. 

“I'm sorry. I'm sorry I'm sorry imsorryimsorryimsorry.” Bucky mumbles, over and over. God he's still hungry. He's still hungry and the soldier is bleeding and he just smells so good. “I'm sorry. I'm so so sorry. I didn’t, I didn't want… I don't want to.” Bucky gets up slowly and shuffles toward the soldier. “I'm sorry. I'm sorry.” he tells the soldier as he gets closer and closer to him. 

“What are you doing?” the soldier panics, eyes wide, “No, get away from me!” he screams, trying to push himself further away from Bucky. Bucky just continues forward, muttering apologies the whole time. 

“I'm sorry, but I have to, I'm sorry.” When Bucky finally reaches the man he pauses, readying himself for what he is about to do. “I'm sorry.” he says, one last time, then lunges forward onto the soldier. The man screams harder and tries to turn and run, but Bucky grabs him, shoves him to the ground, then rips his fangs into the mans neck. Blood gushes out and pours into his mouth. The man below him is screaming, screaming, and Bucky is drinking, drinking. As blood comes less easily the mans screams die out, and he goes limp below him. Bucky pulls the rest of the blood from the soldiers veins then pulls away, full for the first time in months, but sobbing. 

There’s a loud clapping just outside the cage door, and Bucky looks up. Standing there is a man in a Hydra uniform, hands together and face full of glee. “Very well done monster!” the man compliments. Bucky snarls at him, baring his bloody teeth. “Now now. No need for that. Did we not just feed you?” 

More tears well up in Buckys eyes as he continues to snarl at the man outside of his cage. The man just laughs. Bucky cant find it in himself to say anything, just cry and bare his teeth. The man walks away, leaving Bucky alone with the two men he had killed. 

 

———————

 

After another two months he has lost all hope of Steve finding him again. Steve had probably thought he died from the fall into the ravine. 

Hydra again waits until he is asleep to toss two more people into the cage with him after pulling out the nearly gone bodies of the soldiers. This time it appears they are civilians, an old man and a young girl. Bucky lasts three days. The people try to speak to him, get answers, but he can do nothing but huddle in the corner. The fourth day the girl approaches him and sits down next to him. 

“Hey there. I know we've asked before, but whats your name? I'm Emilia. That over there,” she points at the old man, “is Teo. Do you know why we’re here?” she asks. Bucky looks up at her slowly, and nods. Yes, he knows why they're here. They're only food. 

“Can you tell us why?” she requests in a soft tone. Bucky shakes his head. 

“Thats alright. Are you okay?” At this she reaches out and puts her hand on his shoulder. He loses control. Bucky leaps up and tackles the girl. He tries to hold himself back, stopping for a moment just shaking, but his stomach HURTS, and the girls heart is pounding, pushing fresh blood through her veins quickly, tantalizingly. The man, Teo, is on the other side of the cage, yelling at him, but all Bucky can hear is Emilias pulse. Bucky gives up. 

He leans down and sinks his teeth into her neck. Teo is screaming, Emilia is screaming, and Bucky cant hear them, focused on swallowing the pulsing blood. His eyes are shut tight, tears flowing down his face as he drinks. He finishes quickly and pulls away from Emilia’s body. 

“What did you do?! What did you do, why would you do that!? What are you?!” Teo is screaming. Bucky scoots back to his corner and sobs. He's not full, not hardly, but he's sated enough that he doesn't immediately leap on Teo. Teo continues to scream at him, but does not come near him. 

A week passes and Teo is still alive, huddled as far away from Bucky and Emilias bloodless corpse as he can get. Buckys stomach is growling at him, demanding food. He keeps looking at Teo, who glares back at him defiantly. Bucky knows he won’t last much longer, knows he will end up killing Teo. He doesn't want to, he'd rather break out and drain every piece of Hydra shit that dared hold him captive. But he knows the chances of that are slim, if not impossible. 

Finally, after three more days, Bucky turns to Teo. “I'm sorry about Emilia, and I'm sorry for what I have to do now.”

“The monster is sorry?!” Teo spits. Bucky flinches. “Sorry for murdering an innocent girl? Is that what you're sorry for?” Bucky looks at Emilias rotting body and nods. 

“And I'm sorry that I have to do it to you. I can’t-I can’t, I can’t hold back any longer.” Bucky apologizes, standing and walking toward Teo. Teo stands as well and holds his fists up. Bucky looks at him sadly. This poor man thinks he can fight for his life. Once Bucky is close enough him, Teo lashes out, sending his fist to Buckys face, and Bucky slaps it away. Teo continues to attack Bucky, and Bucky continues to just block and dodge. Teo begins to tire, fists coming slower and weaker. Finally Bucky grabs one of Teos wrists and twists it behind his back and pulls the mans back up close to his chest. 

“I'm really sorry.” Bucky says one last time, then bites into Teos neck. Teo screams in pain as Bucky drags the blood out of Teos body and down his throat. 

Bucky doesn't notice as a few Hydra agents have trickled into the room that holds his cage, watching with satisfied and wicked smiles as Bucky feeds. when Bucky is done, he gently places Teo next to Emilia, then looks up at the Hydra agents. 

“Are you happy now?! Are you pleased with what I've done? You sick fucks!” Bucky screams at them. 

“We didn't kill them did we? That was all you. You're the sick fuck here leech.” one of the men taunts. Bucky snarls and slams himself against the cage bars, and the man taunting him has made the mistake of standing too close. Bucky manages to grab his sleeve and pull him to the cage. Bucky rips his fangs across the Hydra agents arm, slicing veins and arteries open and swallowing some of the gushing blood, the rest soaking his front and splashing onto the floor. He slices open another few long gashes into the mans arm as the other agents attempt to pull him away from Bucky. 

Once he's sure the man has lost enough blood that he won’t survive, Bucky lets go of the arm, sending them all tumbling back in a big pile. There’s a scramble to get the man out of the room and to somewhere to fix him, but Bucky knows its futile, the man is already dead. He grins with bloody teeth at the shouting men who pour into the room and surround his cage with guns raised. 

“What are you going to do?! Shoot me?” Bucky steps back and opens his arm, making himself a bigger target, “Come on, do it! Shoot me!” he stands, panting, big savage grin on his face, blood everywhere, waiting. None of the men move. Bucky rushes forward, smashing himself against the bars. 

“Shoot me!” he screams, baring his fangs. The Hydra agents all take a step back when he slams into the bars, but no one shoots him. Bucky stays, pressed against the bars, for a few minutes, none of the agents moving from their spots. Finally Bucky sighs, steps away from the side of his cage and goes to his corner of the cell. 

The agents stay for hours, circled around his cage. Bucky just sits and ignores them. They're useless, can’t do anything for Bucky, can’t just fucking shoot him and get it over with. 

———————-

 

Three more months, they leave him alone in the cell for three more months, never coming into the room, just letting him sit alone with the bones of Emilia and Teo. he expects them to come in with more civilians, or soldiers, and he's almost looking forward to it, but the next time someone enters the room, its alone. Bucky is too tired, to starved to growl at him, to weak to do anything but sit in the corner of his cage. 

“We must start your training now Soldier.” the man says. Buckys eyes drift towards him. Bucky doesn't know what training he talking about, and doesn't really care. He just wants them to leave him alone to starve to death. But he's with Hydra, and Hydra probably won’t let him die easily. Then more men come into the room and stand in front of the door to his cage. They open the cage and storm in and Bucky lets them drag him away, into another, larger room. This room is all grey with what looks like a lot of medical and torture devices, and, in the middle of the room, a large chair with restraints and strange metal arms that arc over it. Bucky does nothing as they lift him into the chair, strap down the restraints, as the arms descend upon him and metal plates cover parts of his face. He just hopes this is to kill him, hopes he will finally be set free.


	6. mission

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> its seventy years later and the soldier fails a mission in the best way possible

Todays mission was supposed to be simple. An easy kill mission. He got one of the witnesses out of the way, but one of the targets is slippery and the other surprisingly resilient, and their backup troublesome. Then the slippery one almost kills him, and he loses focus. He leaps down to where the targets had fallen and goes after the girl, but Captain America shields her, took the fight to himself. Very well, he is a target too. The soldier drives the Captain back, making him take the defensive, but the Captain gets a hit in and flips the Soldier, pulling off his mask meant to block his sense of smell, and then the scents hit him. The Captains scent, warm and safe, the smell of home. But the Soldier has no home, only Hydra. But his scent.

“Bucky?” the Captain breathes. Bucky, yes, that sounds right. But ‘Captain’ does not sound right. The Soldier pauses. What is the Captains name again? Steve. Steve Rogers. That sounds even better than Bucky. 

The Soldier tries the name out on his tongue. “Steve. Steve. Stevie.” The name feels good.

“Bucky you’re…what… how…” Steve takes a cautious step forward, toward the Soldier, shield dropped at his feet. The Soldier wants to take a step back, but god, Steve smells perfect, so his feet end up taking him slowly forward. Steve slinks closer as well, until they are only a foot apart and steves scent is so strong, so strong the Soldier can practically taste it on his tongue. Steve is studying the soldiers face closely, then he takes the final step forward and wraps his arms around the soldier. The Soldier stiffens, not sure if this an attack. Is Steve restraining him? But while firm, the grip remains loose enough to be pulled out of .However, the Soldier finds, he does not want to pull away. Instead he leans into the contact and sticks his nose into Steves neck and practically melts. Steve is crying, tears dripping down his face. 

“Oh Bucky, Bucky you're back, you're here.” Steve murmurs. Then the Soldier realizes he can smell blood. Steve is bleeding. There’s a scrape on the back of his head where it had hit the pavement, and a bullet had grazed his leg. The soldier brings up a hand to the back of Steves head and runs his fingers through the blood. He pulls them back and stares at them for a while.

“You hungry Bucky?” Steve asks pulling back and gazing at the Soldier again. The Soldier shakes his head. “Okay, you let me know if that changes alright, but right now we need to get out of here, come on.” The Soldier decides he would rather go with Steve and risk punishment than stay here. So he follows Steve as they meet up with the troublesome backup, who's name is apparently Sam.

“Um, you know you've got the crazy car destroying assassin behind you right?” he says with his gun raised in the Soldiers direction. 

“Sam this is Bucky.” Steve introduces. 

“Bucky. As in James Buchanan Barnes Bucky?” Sam questions. The Soldiers eyebrows furrow. 

“That’s, my name.” he states, almost a question. Steve looks over at him with sad eyes.

“Yeah, thats your name.” he confirms. The Soldier, James, no, Bucky, nods. 

“Okay.” Bucky decides. 

“He's okay?” Sam asks nervously. “He won’t kill us?” Bucky shakes his head before Steve can answer. 

“I won’t.” he assures Sam. They have to give the same assurances to the slippery target, Natasha, that she nearly doesn't accept. Understandable, given Bucky had just shot her. But she shot him first. 

“Bucky, we need to get out of here, can you help us with Hydra?” Steve requests. Bucky nods and begins to fire off shots to his old handlers. With the help of Sam, Natasha, and Steve they go down quickly and the van that pulls up is driven by maria hill, second in command of SHIELD. They all pile in and she looks back at them.

“Who are these guys?” she asks, pointing at Bucky and Sam.

—————————

 

They drive to an underground bunker that Bucky had not been aware of, a good sign for them. When they get there Nick Fury, a previous target is laying on a bed in medical. “Well it’s about damn time.” He scolds as Steve and Natasha walk through the door. The Soldier feels…odd. He failed his mission. Not only Steve and Natasha, but now Fury isn't dead? Some assassin he is. He ends up staring at Fury as he, Steve and Natasha have their reunion. 

“You got a problem?” Fury finally asks Bucky.

“I was supposed to kill you.” Bucky explains. Everyone, except for Steve, reach for their guns while Steve shifts in front of Bucky, shielding him from the lines of fire.

“And are you going to now?” Fury inquires.

“No.” Bucky replies.

“Well then I suppose, for now, we’re good.” Fury nods to Hill and she takes her hand off her gun, Natasha and Sam follow suit. Steve relaxes and stands back next to Bucky. 

“That needs to be properly bandaged.” Bucky speaks up, pointing to Natashas shoulder. 

“If you've got supplies I can do it.” Sam says. Hill leads sam to where the supplies are and Bucky turns to Steve.

“I'm… I'm hungry.” He says hesitantly. Asking for things leads to pain, but Steve had said to tell him if he got hungry, so that surely overrides no asking? 

“Oh! Sure.” Steve pulls up his sleeve and holds his wrist out to Bucky. Bucky takes it gingerly and lets his fangs drop.

“Steve, what are you doing?” Natasha demands from where she is being bandaged. 

“Calm down Natasha, we've done this hundreds of times.” Steve assures her.

“Done what, whats the idiot doing now?” Sam turns around, “Holy shit the crazy car destroying assassin is a vampire.” he squawks at the sight of Buckys fangs. “And is about to bite Steve?!” 

“Guys relax, its fine.” he repeats. “Go ahead Bucky.” he adds. Bucky nods and slices open the skin of Steves wrist with one fang and laps at the blood that dribbles out. 

“No, Steve. It’s not fine! This guy, not an hour ago, was dead set on killing you and now you're just offering yourself up?” Sam seethes. He takes a step forward and Bucky growls, warning him off. Sam stops and puts his hand on the gun in his waistband.

“Yes! He wont hurt me, we know how to do this safely, we did it during the war. Would you rather he go hungry? Because trust me, thats not pretty.” Steve insists. Bucky now has his mouth latched around Steves wrist and is sucking the blood out of the vein, pulling in small mouthfuls of the thick liquid. 

“I’d rather he not be here at all Steve.” Sam argues. 

“Well thats not gonna happen, he's staying.” Steve retorts. 

“Steve, we don't know what he wants, he's probably following orders from Hydra.” Natasha accused.

“What he wants is to eat in peace, and he's had plenty of opportunities to kill us all, but he hasn’t. If you really want him to go, fine, but I'm going with him.” Steve declares. Not full, but comfortable, Bucky pulls away and swipes his tongue across the wound, coagulating the blood so it will heal faster. Not that Steve needs any help for it to heal fast, already the wound is closing. 

“Listen,” Fury cuts in. “We need Rogers, and apparently he and Barnes are a package deal, so we’ll just have to make do.” Natasha looks suspicious, Sam looks frustrated, and Steve keeps glancing at Bucky with a smile on his face. Bucky is happy to be with Steve, if a little apprehensive of everyone else there. No one, save Steve, is happy he is here, trusts him, or even believes Steve that he is not a threat. Which, considering the days events, is perfectly understandable. But Bucky still feels a twinge of sadness that no one trusts him. 

He shakes it off with a growl, and Sam and Natashas hands drift toward their guns. Bucky just schools his face into one of impassiveness, something he learned to do long ago. Hydra never wanted their asset to show emotion, or pain, the soldier always had to have a blank expression, no matter what tortures he is being put through.


	7. this is best

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the helicarriers come down and there are arguments to be had

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warning for suicide thoughts and attempt

Bucky helps take down the helicarriers, mowing through Hydra agents, clearing Steves path so he can replace the chip. They are through quickly and flee as the helicarriers come crashing down. After Hydras secrets have been dumped on the web Natasha, Hill and Fury meet Steve, Sam, and Bucky back at the bunker. 

The last few nights , much to Steves protest, had locked him in a separate room to sleep, not trusting him to not slit their throats while they sleep. Now Bucky sticks close to Steve, still not trusting the rest of the team to not try to hurt him. Not like they could, but still, better to avoid the conflict all together. When they've sat down at the bunker and everyone has given their reports, then the arguing about Bucky staying with Steve begins.

“Steve, its not safe!”

“Because everything we do is safe.”

“This is different man, this is a vampire with the ability to kill even you.”

“He's my best friend! He wont hurt me, or you!”

“He seemed pretty dead set on it earlier.”

They continue back and forth and Bucky shuts them out. He knows he's a problem, he knows he's causing stress in Steves friendships. Perhaps it would be better if he just left. He could survive on his own. More than anything he wants to stay with Steve, but maybe Steve doesn't want him, maybe he’ll listen to his friends and not want to be with the vampire that tried to kill him. 

But then what would they do with him? Lock him up maybe, run tests, inflict endless pain. Or perhaps they'll just kill him. It would be easiest, get the problem out of the way and never have to deal with him again, not have to worry about him ever hurting anyone else. And maybe thats better for him too. Without hydra he only has Steve, and without Steve…he would rather be dead. 

“Bucky. Bucky!” Steve jerks him out of his head. Bucky looks up at him. “I know that look, whats going through your head pal?” Steve prods. 

“Do you want me to be put down?” Bucky looks at Sam and Natasha, but Steve jumps in before anyone can say anything. 

“Bucky no! No I don't want that! Why would you think that?” Steve protests.

“I'm not safe.” Bucky can’t believe he has to explain this to Steve. “I'm a monster that needs blood to survive, I defected from my conditioning so I'm unstable and unpredictable, I'm a trained assassin and could kill everyone in this room in under three minutes without any weapons. I-”

“Bucky.” Steve interrupts. “First off, how many times do we have to have the conversation that you're not a monster? Second, you've always been unpredictable, third, you wont kill everyone in this room so I'm not worried about that.”

“Maybe you aren’t, but I kind of am.” Sam pipes up. “Crazy car destroying assassin vampire that admits he's unstable, yeah, I'm worried.”

“But he won’t, so theres no point in worrying.” This starts the arguing again. Bucky again tunes them out rests his head on steves shoulder, sticking his nose to Steves pulse point. The arguing gets louder and more frantic, so Bucky squeezes his eyes shut and concentrates on listening to Steves heartbeat. Lub-dub. Lub-dub. Lub-dub. Lub-

“Bucky!” Steves voice yet again cuts through him. “Whats wrong? Bucky whats wrong?” Bucky realizes his face is wet. He's been crying into steves neck, like the weak pathetic asset he is. He's no good for Steve, cant even take arguing, he's a terrible asset and theres no way Steve would want him. 

Bucky sits up and pulls a gun from its holster on his thigh. Immediately every one else but steve has their own guns pointed at his head. But Bucky just places the gun on the table in front of Steve and nudges it towards him. 

“Bucky…whats this for?” Steve asks slowly. Bucky sighs and grabs Steves hand and puts it on top of the gun. He manipulates Steves fingers so they are curled around the guns handle, then brings his hand, and the gun, to his own forehead. Steve drops the gun as if it had burned him. Bucky frowns. 

“Bucky, I'm not going to do that! I'm not, why would you think I would do that?!” Steve demands. 

“I'm not a good asset anymore Steve. You don't need to keep me, and I don't want to be anyone else's asset.” Bucky explains, because apparently Steve is a moron. 

“Bucky, I don't want an asset. I want my friend, and I've got him. And I'm never going to hurt you, ever.” Steve wraps his arms around Bucky and holds him tight to his chest. “You need to understand that. I will never hurt you or let anyone else hurt you.” The stupid fucking tears are back and Bucky hides his face in steves shirt. Steve kisses the top of his head and holds Bucky tighter. Then of course, Buckys stomach takes the opportunity to growl, reminding him he has eaten in a few days. 

Steve pulls back a bit and Bucky almost whimpers at the loss of contact. “Bucky, I take it you’re hungry?”

“I’ll be fine.” Bucky assures him. 

“But are you hungry?” Steve presses. Reluctantly Bucky nods his head. 

“Steve, don't do it man.” Sam warns. 

“What would you prefer? Would you rather he gets a little blood every few days or that he starves until he attacks the person nearest to him?” Steve snaps.

“There’s gotta be another way though.” Sam insists. 

“There’s not, and I’ll tell you again, we can do this safely. I’ll eat a cookie and drink some orange juice after if that'll make you feel better.”

“No, what will make me feel better is if you didn't let a freaking vampire drink your blood!”

“Well then what do you want us to do? I see no other option that is safe for everyone and good for him.”

“Theres an easy solution to this problem Steve.” Natasha speaks up. “Do what he wants. Put him down. It’s safer for everyone and he won’t have to readjust, to acclimate to not being Hydras puppet. Thats a hard and long process, believe me, I know. He won’t have to feel anymore pain or confusion, no more suffering or hunger, he can finally be free.”

Steve stands up and looks at Bucky. “Bucky, we’re leaving.” But Bucky stays where he is. 

“She's right Stevie. This is whats right.” Bucky says quietly. 

“No! No, I told you I'm not gonna hurt you, or let anyone else!”

“Do you know what I've done? How many people I've killed, tortured? I cant even remember it all, Hydra would wipe my memories. I’m…beginning to remember, but it’s all horrible Steve. I think I remember…I remember killing an old man, and a girl, maybe fifteen years old, because I was hungry. This was before Hydra had done any wiping, any conditioning, that was all me, Steve I'm a monster and I deserve this. And I'm tired. I'm so tired. Please just…let this happen.” Bucky pleads.

“No! No I won’t. I can help you, we can get through this together, Bucky you're not alone and I'm not letting anyone hurt you,” Steve is sobbing now. Bucky takes a deep breath and nods. 

Then he shoves Steve away and grabs the gun off the table and presses it beneath his jaw. But before he can pull the trigger Steve is back, twisting the gun from his grip and throwing it across the room. 

“Stop it! Don't you dare do this! Don't you dare leave me alone like this you jerk!” Steve yells at him. He goes to try and hug Bucky again but Bucky pushes him away and pulls knees up to his chest and wraps his arm around his legs. He stares at nothing as Steve hovers near him. 

“Steve, this is what he wants.” Natasha says.

“No! I won’t let him do it, I won’t let you or anyone else do it, I can’t lose him again!”

“Steve…” Natasha tries. 

“No! No, just, just shut up! Bucky, Bucky please look at me.” Steve begs. Bucky continues to stare at the ground and pushes Steve away when he tries to get close to him again. Steve fists his hands in his hair and screams between his teeth. Bucky feels bad that he's hurting Steve, but he'd get over it eventually. He's lived this long without Bucky, he can do it again. But not right now. 

Steve is standing is standing a few feet from Bucky, taking deep shuddering breaths. Bucky stands and walks to Steve and presses himself against him. Steve once again wraps his arms around Bucky. 

“Bucky, can we go home?” Steve asks softly. Slowly Bucky nods. Steve lets out a breath of relief. 

“Steve-” Sam starts. 

“No! You've done enough! We’re going home and you can’t stop us.” Steve pulls away. “Come on Bucky.” Bucky starts walking toward the exit of the bunker and Steve follows, shielding Bucky from bullets the others might try and send his way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i know this is out of character for bucky, but i enjoy torturing my favorite characters


	8. NOT TO WORRY

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> important info

OKAY. SO. I promise im not dead. close call, but I'm not. and never fear! i haven't abandoned this, i just have a lot going on right now and haven't had the time or inspiration to continue working on it. i mean, i doubt theres that many of you who care, but i felt bad just up and disappearing. I'm working frantically on getting basically a novel done by the end of november, so hopefully then i can pick this back up. until then, best of luck, stay safe, and read lots of good things!


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